A statement of beery intent for Course You Can Malcolm

Staying on the grass"¦
A statement of beery intent for Course You Can Malcolm.

It’s a bit long but you’re at work so that’s alright"¦

At Fleetwood, in the Rossall Tavern, we sat there chunnering in despair as there was Bombadier bitter on the pump and yet youngsters were still buying poor quality draught slop lagers. That’s alright though as us grumpster, feathery hats are allowed to moan like that. However, we’re not so grumpster as to not know that lager can be smart when it’s done right. Unfortunately, many of us recognise that where there is a pre-dominance of brewed-under-license lagers then you’re apt to find drunken divvyness. We don’t want that bad-beery-lumber in our own bar. That’d be just potty.

The German brewing laws of not allowing any nonsense ingredients in their brewing process seems to cut down on such perceived aggressiveness. It might have been adjudged to heighten oompahpahness and saying ’Unt yar’ far more than is really necessary but that’s live-able with. That’s why we have got Bitburger bottled German lager in ’Course You Can Malcolm’ brewed to strict German brewing laws. There’s no fish-filings to hasten fermentation in Bitburger as there apparently are in some other popular swill lagers.

However, the volunteers in CYCM further agreed that one lager was maybe not enough for you fizz obsessed youth of today. A compromise was afoot as so many of you drink swillage that it would take some knocking out of you. No offence. Actually, yes. It’s our burden but we intend to drag the less beery cultural towards the good side by placing in front of you a limited-in-number choice of beers but not limited in quality and taste. If you want chain-bar-beer sanitisation then please go elsewhere as Course You Can Malcolm may not be for you. You’ve got loads of choices elsewhere if that’s what you require. The majority at FC United of Manchester believe that it can be better than that.

Course You Can Malcolm, if it was a player, has an aim to be Denis’s sleeve, Duncan tucking his shorts in on that last photo, Robert Nugent when he can finally afford the £120 it takes to get black boots rather than ambling on in the white ones because they’re free, finding something little that reminds you of May 26th, a Veron through ball, Matty Taylor going to hospital after Quorning, walking down Chester Road on that first game back after being bombed into playing at maine road the previous years, being a red who worked on Eddie Colman Court, the third season fightback of Steve Spencer, Eric in the black kit scoring that goal at Wimbledon, Margy’s red face that takes hours to go back to a normal colour. We have no chance of being that good but we must always try.

You come to a United game to watch quality Redness. If FC United of Manchester put out blueness there’d be murders and rightly so. It’s the same at CYCM with its beer, £2-for-tater-hash-with-pie-crust and the unsigned bands. Don’t expect an inferior product to be placed in front of you. You’ll thank us for the good-beer-bit in the end as the less-hang-overs-caused-by-additives start to arrive. We’ve all learned all things United from those older Reds. Now, if you already haven’t, is the time to learn about appreciating the beauty of the lovingly brewed beer.

We’re facing a task with some of you. We think we’ve made a start on it though. It’s therefore with great pleasure that we announce the lager that no Red can argue with when the CYCM volunteers behind the bar tell you that they have no Carling / Carlsberg/ Stella/ Fosters etsetch. To get you to quality lagers we’ll lull you in with good Red tradition. And that good Red tradition comes no finer than Super Bok. Forged in United’s European away at Porto in the mid-nineties it entered our Red constitutions and never left. Moan at Super Bok and you moan at all things United. It’s even got its own Red song and T shirt. So drink and enjoy it. There’s a special offer on it of £2 a bottle or three for a fiver.

That’s the inadequate lager drinkers sorted out. Now for the cider drinkers. When it comes to cider drinking the CYCM volunteers looked to John Earley. If you know John, then you’ll know why. We’d dare anyone to know more about the apple’y sup than your man John. He could go to the north pole just wearing his grubbies and he wouldn’t get frostbite, he’d just turn into a cider lolly and survive. When we told John we were going to the Hereford Cidery to purchase Weston’s real cider he nearly died, went to heaven, saw they didn’t sell cider and came back again. We’ve got Weston’s Stowford Press cider. It’s in 660ml bottles so it’s dearer at three quid. We’re told by John that that’s a very fair price. We’re also told it’s that price in Wetherspoon’s so we’re very competitive. Again we’ve got a special offer on it of two bottles for a fiver so we’re even more bargainesque.

As this is being written we’ve not confirmed the stout alternative to Guinness. It looks likely to be Titanic. We’ve got a number of options in process but we can get back to you on that. They’ll be a stout there this Saturday against Woodley Sports. Look on it as a surprise stout. You’ll have to trust us. If it’s nodgery we’ll change it.

The real ale in CYCM at Saturday’s game is the institution that is Manchester IPA at £2 for a 500ml bottle. Even after such a short while it has become an FC United of Manchester darling. We’ll look to give it a sister in the near future but at the present it’s the bottled beer of the discerning. We sold out last game. Get in there McClair.

The simple round figures of £2, £3 and £5 aid the volunteers serving you at the bar to be quicker. No one wants a slow bar. All profits made at the bar go to paying the match day rent that we have to pay to our landlord Bury FC not the Development fund.

Again, recommended by Conrad Murray from Revolution Radio as a band about to make it, are this week’s guests LA Pals. Playing freemans as all our guests do. They’re Manchester Reds who mostly go in the main stand. You’ll recognise the Warwick Roadness in them. They’re our own. Welcome them as such. Let the warmness that blurted out at the first gig with Little Engine flow out. The gig is being reviewed by the evening news.

We hope the reporter gets there early as the 11 minute slot, before LA Pal’s 22 minutes, is being filled by Paul Redstone. Paul was the middle aged Dad in Moston Active Drama’s recent production of ’She’s just nipped out for fags’ at the Library Theatre - see a report on the play in our Saturday’s match day programme. He’s snaffled himself a part on a few TV roles after that performance including one on Shameless. This is his first attempt at stand up comedy. He might be Carlsberg, he might be Bitburger we don’t know. What we do know is that he’ll be appreciated for giving his time for free.

On a final, ongoing issue, we are doing our utmost to get the doors to the Main Stand open. All the CYCM volunteers believe the venue won’t breathe properly until that day arrives. We’re on it. Some things take time. We don’t remember anyone saying Nicky Platt was a good’un in those first few games but with time?

As Billy Butlin used to say - book early. Except that’s no good as you don’t have to book. You do have to be early though. It was a lock out at the Bridlington game well before two o’clock. The good side is that if you get there early you’ll have a good time, with fellow reds, chirruping, eating, listening, drinking, being entertained and all whilst fundraising for this lovely club of ours. Why, just why would you want to be anywhere else? Our beer, our bar. Then, after all that, you can just fall out of the side door and watch FC United of Manchester at three o’clock.

Doors open 1 0’clock. Members only with one guest. You can join on the day.

Fraternally yours,

The Course You Can Malcolm hod carriers.